A photo I took at the end of a 9.5 mile kayak trip.
Pensioner Pond, West Charleston, Vermont. | August, 2013.

It’s become apparent to me that I have a judging issue. The girl I’m seeing right now has really helped me notice how much I judge other people.

It has really solidified it too, because the last 3 girlfriends I’ve had have all pointed out to me that I am judgmental, and at times, condescending.  (Good relationships can help us grow and learn so much).

I really don’t like this. I don’t like this judging thing.

The reason I am writing this is to be open an honest about it… with myself (so that I work on changing/transmuting this energy) and with the world (or whoever ends up reading this).

An important step in changing something about ourselves is admitting and accepting it.

I know that part of this connects to my insecurities. I know that when I’m around men, I like to feel like I’m the most powerful… like I have my act together. And sometimes I genuinely do feel like that. Other times, that’s not always the case.  Maybe, even when I “genuinely do feel like it”, it’s still just me covering something up?

I went out to Portland, Oregon a few months ago for an event, and a lot of fear came up in me before I went. The reason was because I knew I was about to be around men who were more powerful than me.

(Even right now, as I write this, I’m telling myself that I’ll soon be more powerful than them. Fuck! Why do I do this? Why do I have the constant need to compare myself to others, and be better?)

As this judging thing unravels, I find there are more and more subtitles to it…

I feel that my intuition and gut-feelings are very spot-on. I can meet someone, shake their hand, listen to a few words come out of their mouth, and already I know about their essence. Already I know if this is someone I want to spend my time with.

You see, this is not a bad thing.

My intuition is my strength. Collecting “data points” is my strength.

But something happens when I take it too far. I look into their life and I judge them. I imagine myself in their shoes and what I would do, and I think they’re weak/scared/not smart enough/not driven enough/not whatever enough to be doing the things that deep down they are telling the world they want.

And more importantly here, is that I forget that I went through, and had to process similar emotions, feelings, and thoughts that they are.

I sometimes lack empathy. I’m almost too practical. Looking into someone’s life and slashing right through all their shit, and hitting them where they’re currently weak. C’mon man… where is your compassion?

My judging comes from non-acceptance too. I don’t accept them for where they are, for who they are, for what they’re doing, and for what they’re thinking.

And worse of all, I judge mostly those I am close with, those I am friends with, those I have context with… always to have this false position of “betterness”.

And yes, if you’re reading this, and you know me, there are good chances that I’ve judged you too… more than once.

Shit… this is starting to sound pretty twisted. Whatever. It’s the (current) truth.

This is not serving me though… and it is not serving the world.

I was recently told this: “If you think you’re superior and you’re judging people, you’re really not… you’re actually ‘below them’. If you were above them, why would you need to prove to them that? Why do you need to prove yourself?”

Why do I need to prove myself? I’m not sure yet.

Again, here is another subtlety. I enjoy learning and growing and becoming better and better, but am I “pushing” so hard… am I trying too much… trying so hard that I’m never really accepting where I currently am? I feel there is truth to this.

In doing so, in me not accepting where I am, is this causing me the inability to accept others where they are? Probably.

I like to be around people who are learning, growing, pushing their boundaries, exploring, creating, etc… this is a good thing.

But if I’m expecting everyone to be “perfect” in my eyes, and meet up to my standards, I think I’ll soon find myself without many friends… no one who wants to be around me.

I don’t have the answers yet. I don’t have the “5 steps to stop judging people” ready to deliver to you. I’m not sure I will anytime soon either.

I know I have a lot of work to do here, and I know this is something I don’t want to continue to carry with me.

This is something I want to pay more attention to. This is something I want to work on… something I want to transmute, and change…. something I eventually no longer want to have.

If I’ve judged you and I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry.  It doesn’t feel good knowing that I’ve judged so many people.

I’m sure many even know that I do.

Even if people don’t know that I’m judging them, knowing that I’m putting that energy out there doesn’t feel good.

I don’t want to continue doing this.

I am committing to practicing acceptance… with situations… with other people… and with myself.

I accept where I am, and all that I have done.

I am grateful for my new awareness.

I look forward to improving myself and getting rid of characteristics that no longer serve me.

And again, if I’ve judged you in any way, I’m sorry.